Recently, I went through an ordeal that was so stressful that I felt debilitated. I was unable to function. I was incapable of doing the things that I needed to do. I lay in the bed like a little girl. But once I came to myself, I began to pray. I started to call out to God. I was yelling for Him as if He was far away. I cried out “God – Please HELP ME!” I cannot remember the last time I felt so lost. I was struggling. I had no peace. I felt like I was losing my mind. I could not control my thoughts. I was all over the place. One moment I felt composed – the next anxious. I know this sounds irrational, but I have to be authentic. I can lie to other people, but I cannot lie to myself.
Now I have been through some things in my life. The experiences I share are solely due to God’s grace and mercy. God has brought me so far. Despite knowing God and His power, this ordeal seemed to affect me in ways I had not been impacted before.
I thought about how the Lord loved us so much that He sent His son Jesus to die for us. God fully knew that His son was going to be tormented on that day - yet He sent Him anyway. Whenever I think about my children and how much I love them, I think about what God did for me. I thought to myself, Lord how can I not trust you and believe you? I know that you are going to do what your word says. But knowing what I knew, I still agonized about this thing.
I know I have a control issue. I want to be able to control my narrative. I want to be able to control what people think of me. This is especially true regarding my family and my children. I want to be able to control the outcomes of their situations. I want to be able to control the consequences of their actions – as a way of saving them from themselves. This control thing was eating me up. Simply because I can only control myself and even then, some of the things that happen to me are out of my control. I cannot control accidents or sickness. I cannot control death.
I realized this was my issue and the reason why I could not get any peace. No matter how much I prayed. No matter how much I sought God. No matter how much scripture was in my belly. I just could not release it. I was too busy trying to fix it. My hand was in it. I was trying to do in my strength. Every few minutes I would think to myself, if I do this maybe it will make it better. No, let’s try this. I’m calling folk – talking to everybody I felt would understand my plight.
Then in the same breath, I began to call on the Lord again. I was double-minded. I started quoting scripture, “Not by might, not by power, but by my spirit says the Lord.” I began to say “God you can do whatever you decide to do. You can turn a man’s heart whichever way you wish. You are the all-powerful God. You are Jehovah Jireh My Provider. God, I need you. I’m burdened. Help me!! Please!!!!” While I’m praying, I’m still trying to fix it. I was so tired. I was tired of praying, crying, and fighting with myself.
So, then I sat in the middle of the floor – broken and worn out. I thought to myself, I can not do this in my strength. My heart is broken, Lord, my body is weak. My spirit is fragile. In that moment, I spoke the words, I am going to trust you. I began to sing it over myself. I trust you, Lord. I trust you, Lord. I place all my trust in you. With that being said, I release this thing to you. I cannot fix it. I am going to leave it alone. Take it Lord. I lay it at your feet. Have your way, Lord. Have your way.
I am not going to text them. I am not going to call them. I am not going to check on them. I am not going to try to fix the situation. I am not going to do anything. I am going to let you in this moment be God. There was a release. Peace entered the room. His presence entered the room. I knew in my heart, however, it worked out - it was going to work out!!!!!
I heard a pastor talking about love languages. The pastor stated that God has a love language, and it is TRUST. So, I began to ponder this. Trust is an action word. When we say we trust Him, we have to trust Him with everything - our homes, children, families, finances, and circumstances.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord. Forever. (Psalms 23)
Lord, I trust you. I have tried everything else, and it has failed. My hope, my heart, my trust is in you. In that moment, everything in me knew it would be ok.
For anyone who is going through a situation where you feel God is far from you. I challenge you to stand on what you know. No matter how desperate we are for a solution. God sees and He knows. He will work this situation out for you – just like He has done for so many others. Trust I say in the Lord.
The Katrice Factor
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